Did you grow up feeling like an invisible person? Were your needs as a child never met? Or was your home filled with chaos and emotional distance between you and your parents? You might be surprised to know that events from your early life can continue to shadow your life later as an adult. Even research suggests that there is a connection between childhood trauma and relationships.
What that means for example is if you have had any abandonment issues in childhood, you might be drawn to unhealthy relationships as an adult or maybe can’t open up to someone.
This article will discuss how these childhood traumas affect adult relationships. We will also talk about how to handle these issues and what it looks like to work through them so that relationships can be safer and more rewarding.
So let’s get started!
What is Childhood Trauma?
As the name suggests, childhood traumas are the “bad” happenings or events we experience or witness as children. It can be anything from being bullied in class, feeling neglected by parents, or feeling abandoned by loved ones. Not only this but sometimes traumatic experiences such as witnessing a natural disaster or violence can also cause an impact.
Such traumatic events can inflict lifelong harm on our inner child and, in return, can have a significant impact on who we are and how we act as adults.
The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Relationships in Adult Life
We already know by now that if you have suffered from trauma during the early years of your life, then the odds are that you might look at and experience adult relationships in a certain way. In fact, the impact is much more profound even years later.
Research has shown that average childhood experiences are much more common and acknowledged and can have a massive effect on mental health even after 50 years! It means that a child’s emotional pain isn’t temporary. It can have its imprint on their brains and hearts and carry the burden throughout life until addressed.
How Childhood Trauma in Early Relationships Affects Adult Connections
There are myriad ways that childhood trauma could impact the way you experience your adult relationships.
Fear of Abandonment
Those of you who have had a traumatic childhood of a parent leaving or neglecting your needs may have a fear of abandonment in adulthood. This can sometimes trigger internal negative feelings and emotions about yourself or others. You may feel deeply afraid to be abandoned by a loved one. This can also manifest as asking for approval and praise or being too clingy to your partner and constantly wanting validation, love, and attention.
Trust Issues
Trusting others is a very common issue that people face when they reach adulthood. When a child feels wronged or neglected by any of the caregivers or parents, they learn that the people they trust the most can also hurt them.
Such a feeling of mistrust lingers to adulthood and makes a person suspicious of everything. In such cases, you may prevent people from being a part of your life and have difficulty forming meaningful relationships. You may also find it challenging to believe your partner when they say they love you, care for you, respect your boundaries and conditions, etc.
Attachment Styles
In early childhood, a secure attachment develops within loving and stable relationships in which your emotional and practical needs are met, offering a kind of oasis in times of distress.
However, when your early childhood experiences are marked by abandonment and neglect, your ability to form such secure attachments is disrupted. This results in attachment injuries and, mostly, avoidant or anxious attachment styles. Even research proves the fact that students who had bad experiences such as trauma, neglect, and abuse as children had preoccupied or dismissive attachment styles as adults.
Communicational Difficulties
Communication is the key to any relationship, but if you had a traumatic childhood, then it can also affect how you communicate.
You may have also noticed that you sometimes cannot express how you feel or avoid talking at all. Or you may lash out at people close to you when you feel attacked because this is how you learned to survive in childhood. Such behaviors can lead to misunderstandings and arguments in platonic and romantic relationships or even in work environments.
Avoidance of Sexual Intimacy
Traumatic experiences in childhood can also affect adult relationships, especially when it comes to intimacy or sexual closeness. If a child goes through a negative experience that makes them realize they cannot trust their caretaker, they might think the world is scary and people are dangerous and therefore not want to get close and intimate with others.
As they become adults, they have trouble making healthy sexual connections with their partners. They feel they are not worthy of being loved or feel anxious and disconnected during intimacy.
Difficulty in Parenting Your Children
While not so much addressed, your traumatic childhood can also affect how you parent your future children. It is because healthy parenting involves managing your emotions, and those who haven’t processed their issues may find it challenging.
For example, if your child needs to ask you something and you feel stressed about their constant questioning, you respond to him angrily. Then, your child can take it as a sign of rejection and end up feeling abandoned, just as you did when you were younger.
All of these can also be considered as symptoms of childhood trauma in adulthood and need to be addressed.
Healing and Moving Forward—Overcoming Your Childhood Trauma
If you don’t address your childhood traumas, your romantic relationships suffer from the consequences. So, start your recovery by learning to heal your wounded inner child.
Here are some of the best methods to address your childhood trauma and relationships for a better adult life.
1. Identify What Triggers You
If you want to be healed from your childhood trauma for a better relationship, then you need to find what your triggers are. Try to ask yourself: Do you feel abandoned by your partner or by a family member? A significant step is becoming aware of these triggers.
Also, you must express them to your loved ones when you identify them. You may try sharing one by one and see how it feels. Remember, nobody can read your mind, so tell them that these things usually make you feel neglected or abandoned. In this way, you and them can work together to figure out the best solution.
2. Look For Couples Therapy
Now that your partner understands your feelings and emotions, looking for couples therapy can be a valuable step. Couples therapy is a safe space for you and your partner to express your thoughts and feelings. It also allows you to explore the impact of childhood trauma on your relationship dynamics.
This method of healing from childhood trauma and relationships has been found super helpful in healing wounds and pain from the past. Therapists are your great resource in this case. They can guide you and your partner through processing the wounded past and moving on with more positive coping skills for better relationships.
There is no shame in seeking professional support to help you heal from your past traumas and therefore get closer to your partner.
3. Try Butterfly Hugging
Sometimes, you don’t feel like sharing your emotions, and that’s okay. But the body and brain still remember the trauma, so one thing you can do here is to hug yourself.
This is a technique developed by psychologists as a part of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR) therapy. The butterfly hug method provides a comforting touch and warm feeling we get from hugging another person. It also helps to calm down anxiety and gives you a sense of security. To perform it,
- Sit comfortably and cross your arms, wrapping your hands around your shoulders.
- Gently squeeze and take deep breaths to relax yourself.
- Now close your eyes and imagine comforting your inner child, offering the love and care you once missed.
4. Heal the Child Inside You
Another thing you can try is to heal the inner wounded child that has had all the traumas you are facing the consequences of.
Start by thinking about the event you’re trying to get over. Then imagine that a younger version of yourself is meeting the adult version of yourself right now. Now, try to calm the wounded inner child by offering the love and care it needs. Or be the elder you wish you had when you were a kid. Keep practicing it.
And if you are on this journey of healing your inner child, be sure to check out my article on Healing Inner Child Wounds. It is packed with prompts, powerful affirmations, and book recommendations to help you build healthier and deeper relationships.
5. Don’t Forget to Love Yourself
While you crave love and attachment from others, it is also important to remember that you are worthy of being loved. You are also capable of loving yourself and having healthy relationships. Even if you have been neglected or not given importance in childhood, it doesn’t mean you will also have a bad relationship as an adult. So, just abandon the labels that you may hold for yourself or think that you cannot be fixed after your past experiences.
It is also important to heal the aspects of you that are wounded so as not to attract relationships that mirror your wounding. This tends to happen as a way to mirror to us what needs healing and then prompt us to heal.
6. Seeking Support
We cannot emphasize how much it is important to seek help in such situations. When you feel alone and left out, always seek help from your partner, family, friends, support groups, or psychologists. It is like having a group of people rooting for you and telling you that you got this. So, make an effort to save your relationships and seek help from them as a part of healing.
While following all of this, it is essential to remember that your past doesn’t define who you are. Yes, they were part of your life, but so are your present and future. If you want to heal your past, you have to acknowledge it and take baby steps for healing.
Summing it Up
In the end, healing from childhood trauma is important in order to build healthy relationships as an adult.
The first step is understanding what triggers you and effectively communicating it to your loved ones. Going to couples therapy can be very helpful, and butterfly hugging is one way to get in touch with your inner child.
All these methods are beneficial, even if you are dating someone with childhood trauma. Share this article with them, and don’t forget to let us know your thoughts!
FAQs
How does childhood trauma affect relationships? (Romantic and Platonic)
Childhood trauma can lead to trust issues, difficulty in relationships, and unhealthy attachment styles in both platonic and romantic relationships. It can also lead to fear of abandonment or a replay of the past trauma.
Can you heal from childhood trauma while in a relationship?
Yes, it is very much possible to heal from childhood trauma with a positive relationship. Understanding and open communication between partners and mutual support is the key.
How does unresolved childhood trauma affect relationships?
Unresolved childhood trauma can have adverse effects on adult relationships, like feeling abandoned, irregular behavior, and pushing loved ones away. Recognizing these effects is the first step toward healing and building healthier connections.
Can two people with childhood trauma be in a relationship?
Yes, two people who suffered from childhood trauma can be in a relationship. It is essential for both to recognize each other’s experiences and be willing to heal. Also, open communication and empathy can help them grow and create a healthy relationship.
References
- Huh, Hyu Jung, et al. “Childhood trauma and adult interpersonal relationship problems in patients with depression and anxiety disorders.” Annals of General Psychiatry, vol. 13, no. 1, Sept. 2014, https://doi.org/10.1186/s12991-014-0026-y.
- Dalvie, Shareefa, and Nikolaos P. Daskalakis. “The Biological Effects of Trauma.” Complex Psychiatry, vol. 7, no. 1–2, Jan. 2021, pp. 16–18. https://doi.org/10.1159/000517236.
- APA PsycNet. psycnet.apa.org/record/2005-05449-005.
- Marici, Marius, et al. “Is Rejection, Parental Abandonment or Neglect a Trigger for Higher Perceived Shame and Guilt in Adolescents?” Healthcare, vol. 11, no. 12, June 2023, p. 1724. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare11121724.
- Yilmaz, Hasan, et al. “The effect of traumatic experiences on attachment styles.” Anales De Psicología, vol. 38, no. 3, Aug. 2022, pp. 489–98. https://doi.org/10.6018/analesps.489601.
- Lange, Brittany C. L., et al. “Adverse Childhood Experiences and Their Relation to Parenting Stress and Parenting Practices.” Community Mental Health Journal, vol. 55, no. 4, Sept. 2018, pp. 651–62. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-018-0331-z.
- MacIntosh, Heather B. “Developmental couple therapy for complex trauma: Results of an implementation pilot study.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, vol. 50, no. 3, May 2024, pp. 545–66. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12711.
- “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy.” https://www.apa.org, 25 May 2017, www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing.
- Artigas, Lucina, and Ignacio Jarero. The Butterfly Hug Method for Bilateral Stimulation. Sept. 2014, emdrfoundation.org/toolkit/butterfly-hug.pdf.
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